


I Always Thought Id Be The One To Die Alone

by wolfstsrshipper



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: M/M, nothing you cant handle if you have read the books, really - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:22:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26863600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfstsrshipper/pseuds/wolfstsrshipper
Summary: "I always thought I'd be the one to die alone." Neil whispered to andrew as they sat on the porch and smoked. They just received the news that Seth had died.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 2
Kudos: 33





	I Always Thought Id Be The One To Die Alone

**Author's Note:**

> All the bold is pulled from the book because im lazy and didn't wanna rewrite the news of his death   
> Bold is pulled from The Foxhole Court by Nora Sakavic and belongs to her.

**“What do you want?”** Andrew **asked,** taking a deep drag of his cigarette **. He cradled the phone between his ear and shoulder as he put the pack of cigarettes away.** He  **listened as Wymack explained all over again. “Over-dosed like how?”**

**"Again?" Nicky said incredulously. "That stupid bastard."**

**"Never again," Andrew said over his shoulder. "He's dead."**

**There was a second of absolute silence before Nicky moved. He grabbed Andrew's shoulder and gave him a violent shake. "No. What?"**

**Andrew shrugged him off and spoke into the phone. "No, not a good idea. I'll call you when we're back in town."**

**Nicky slumped forward in his chair and groaned low in his throat. "Shit, shit. No way."**

**"Who overdosed?" Neil asked.**

**"Seth." Andrew hung up and tapped the phone against his thigh. "Someone found him face-down in the bathroom at Bacchus where he drowned in his own puke. It's exactly how I warned him he was going to clock out, not that he ever listened to me."**

**Neil was hearing things. "Seth overdosed?"**

**"Keep up with the conversation," Andrew said.**

**"I thought he was on something, but I never saw him using," Neil said.**

**"He cleared most of it out of his system years ago," Andrew said. "Only thing he's on these days is antidepressants. Curious."**

**"I might be sick," Nicky said miserably.**

**Neil looked at him, surprised by how hard Nicky and Aaron were taking it. He wondered if he was supposed to feel something besides shock, but a mental check came back clean. He'd grown up around death. It was nothing to him now but ice in his system and a reminder to keep moving. Seth should have been an exception, since Neil had been living with him for months, but Neil had never liked him.**

**"Are we going back?" Neil asked.**

**"When they're all drunk and cracker high and I'm off my meds? I'll be back in jail before you can say 'threat to society'. We'll wait until morning."**

**Andrew got out of the car, but no one else moved.**

**"What about the line-up?" Kevin asked.**

**Nicky winced. "Kevin, the man is dead. Like, permanently."**

**"It's not a major loss," Kevin said.**

**Nicky got out of the car and paced the driveway with his hands linked behind his neck. Neil looked from Aaron to Kevin, and then slid out Nicky's open door. Andrew was fiddling with his key chain on the front porch when Neil caught up with him. Andrew finished whatever he was doing, transferred the key chain to one hand, and pointed his cigarette at Neil's face.**

**"That's interesting," he said. "That apathy doesn't bode well for your sanity."**

**"I don't understand suicide," Neil said. "Staying alive has always been so important I can't imagine actively trying to die."**

**"He wasn't," Andrew said, like Neil was being stupid. He unlocked the door but didn't bother with the lights when he went in. Neil followed him into the dark hallway and left the door open behind him for the others. "He wanted a way out for a little while, a few hours where he didn't have to think or feel. Problem was he picked an out that's easy to die on. That's his fault."**

**"Is that why you drink?" Neil asked. "You don't want to feel?"**

**Andrew turned to face him. Neil wasn't expecting it and almost ran into him. Andrew dug his fingertip into the hollow of Neil's throat in warning. This close Neil could smell the alcohol and cigarettes on him. It made him think of his mother burning to ashes on the beach. He reached out without thinking and took Andrew's cigarette away. For some reason Andrew let him keep it.**

**"I don't feel for anyone or anything," Andrew said. "Don't forget that."**

**"So Kevin's just a hobby for you?"**

**"Seth didn't kill himself. He couldn't have."**

**"What do you mean?"**

**"Seth only takes his pills when he and Allison are on the outs," Andrew said. "When they're together she's enough to hold him up. She went with him tonight, so she would have made sure he left his pills at home. She knows he likes chasing them with drinks."**

**Neil remembered watching her dig through Seth's pockets. "She checked him. I saw her."**

**"So did I," Andrew said.**

**"If he didn't have his pills on him, how did he overdose?"**

**"Not by choice," Andrew said. "My theory says Riko won this round."**

**Neil stared at him. "You don't really think Riko did this."**

**"I think the timing's too convenient for it to be an accident," Andrew said. "Riko broke Kevin's hand for being better. He crossed districts because Kevin picked up a racquet and got back on the court. What do you think he's willing to do to you for calling him useless on national TV?**

**"You said our greatest strength is in our small size. How strong do you feel now that you've been bumped to our starting line? You think you and Kevin are ready to carry us to championships?"**

**"And you called me paranoid," Neil said quietly.**

**"They were supposed to stay on campus tonight," Andrew said. "Renee stopped by after you left and asked how soon we could expect Riko to respond. Kevin said we would hear back tonight. Pity you didn't see the busybodies panic when they realized you weren't at the dorm anymore. I told them you'd be back at nine, so they built their plans around you."**

**Neil remembered how relieved Matt looked to see him in the hallway. More than that, he remembered Nicky's incredulity that Allison and Seth were leaving. Nicky rarely paid attention to the two and he shouldn't have cared that they were socializing. He reacted because they were deviating from the plan.**

**"I don't believe you," Neil said.**

**"I can't prove it, but I know I'm right."**

**"If you are, then what?" Neil asked. "I'm willing to gamble with my life. I won't gamble with theirs. They don't deserve that."**

**"You don't have to," Andrew said. "I do, and I say the odds are good. The Foxes are famous for having terrible seasons, but even bad luck only goes so far. One death is a believable tragedy. Two brings us below the bare minimum number of requisite players to compete. Coach Moriyama wants Kevin and Riko to face-off on court, so Riko can't risk disqualifying us."**

**Neil said nothing. Andrew hooked his fingers in the collar of Neil's shirt and tugged just enough for Neil to feel it. "I know what I'm doing. I knew what I was agreeing to when I took Kevin's side. I knew what it could cost us and how far I'd have to go. Understand? You aren't going anywhere. You're staying here."**

**Andrew didn't let go until Neil nodded.** He turned around and climbed the stairs, but Neil stared at the cigarette in his hand and went back outside. He had been the direct cause of death before, but never for someone on his team. Not that he cared for or even liked seth. His death meant nothing, and he was going to pass on at one point. Riko just assured it to be sooner. 

But it was because of him that it was sooner. Neil joined the team and not a long time after did someone end up dead. There’s no doubt that it was his fault, and that he had a hand in the death. 

A heavy sense of dread overcame him when he realized Seth had died alone. He had been killed and died alone because of Neil. Everyone he’s ever seen die, it’s never been alone. Would someone want to die like that? Did Seth? 

Neil had come to terms with the thought, because it was the most plausible. He knew he would run dry, get hurt, or his father would finally find him. 

Neil sat down on the porch and stared at the cigarette he held. He didn’t breath any of it in, just stared at it and absorbed it’s smell. He sat there until it ran out, then looked up to the sky, his mind replaying some of the memories he shared with his mom, the memories he had of those he killed in self defense. Neil watched this little movie impassively. A long time ago, he had come to the realization that the world would always breath, long after he did not. He learned that after all the years on the streets of the big cities. 

He wasn’t sure how long he had been sitting out here alone, but it surely had been over an hour, at  _ least.  _

The door opened and closed behind him quietly, and Neil stiffened, turning his head to see it was just Andrew. 

Andrew took out a carton of cigarettes and lit one of them, passing it to Neil before lighting one for himself and taking a deep drag. Neil just held it and stared as he had done with the last one. Apparently both of them coped covered in smoke. They sat in silence up until Andrew was done with about a forth of his cigarette when Neil said anything. "I always figured I’d be the one to die alone.” He sighed. Andrew didn’t answer immediately. 

"Instead it was Seth." He stated. “Is that why you’ve been sulking outside for three hours?”

“No.” he took a moment before continuing. "But it is my fault." Neil shrugged, giving his best apathetic tone, his best apathetic stare. It wasn’t hard. Andrew looked him over for several moments. Then he lifted his shoulder just  _ slightly _ in a shrugging motion. 

"Maybe. Like I said, apathy doesn’t bode well for you, but I don't have the energy for your crumbling psyche. I'm sure you've met murdering folk, seen death. Even with all your secrets, that much is clear. Maybe even caused a few of your own." He took another drag of his cigarette. “You’re too apathetic about this for it to be new. So why are you out here?” Neil didn't respond. He couldn’t really remember what brought him outside in the first place. "You should see a therapist. Maybe it would take an issue or two away. You have too many." Andrew brought it to his lips again and took a deep breath in, slowly exhaling and staring at the dissipating smoke. Neil felt frustrated. Here Andrew was, telling him  _ he _ had too many issues. 

"You're one to talk. You’d make a picture perfect fucking victim.” He spat back.

“I don’t like that word. Don’t make the mistake of saying it again.” Neil thought for a moment, before moving on. Of course he had more than a few trigger words. Though, Neil himself had plenty of sounds and smells, let alone words, to say anything. He felt very resigned as he went back to the initial prompt. Andrew’s suggestion of therapy. Neil sighed as he asked: “What kind of lesson would I ever learn in opening up? I’ll be fine"

“Maybe.” Andrew agreed. “Whatever’s bouncing around in that empty head of your’s sure will be, at some point. I sure as fuck won’t be here to coddle you when it doesn’t, though. The point is, this?” Neil knew he meant Seth’s death and everyone’s reaction to it. “It’s too insignificant to matter.” 

“Life isn’t insignificant.” Neil countered. “Whether it’s a horrible person or a great person. They’re still significant.”

“Maybe.” Neil grew frustrated. That was the one word he kept repeating. 

"Is it stressing all the things that you have morally accepted?" He snapped, trying to earn a genuine response instead of a non-answer. At least to something.

“Is it vexing wearing clothes that you have bled in? You only have 8 pairs, and no matter how many times you wash them, still feel the blood there? That’s the trouble with hidden scars.”

“Fuck you.” Neil said, staring back at his cigarette but saying nothing more. 

They sat in silence until Andrew finished his cigarette and stood up. Neil dropped his on the ground and stepped on it, then stood up beside him. 

“People like Riko. They love taking our ‘innocent little home.’” He said, reaching for the doorknob. He turned it and opened the door, waiting for Neil to go inside, but instead he just saw Neil staring at him, confused.

“‘Innocent little home?’”

“Our minds, junkie.”

"Sure as hell isn't an 'innocent little home'" He mumbled. Death, pain, lies. Those were the things that filled his mind. None of that could be considered innocent. If so, Neil wondered what Andrew’s version of corrupt was, who was currently looking at him like he was stupid

"That's the fucking point. So who took yours? It was clearly gone before Riko." He wanted to tell Andrew to fuck off and pass by him, but instead he sighed. Whatever he did tell Andrew, he knew Andrew would be there unflinchingly. 

"Is this a truth or truth?"

"Does it need to be?" He countered.

"Many people.” Neil kept his response short. His mom, his father, his uncle, the people on the streets, the police, Lola, Romero, DiMaccio. So many people and so many more. He wasn’t going to get into the semantics. “Who took yours?"

“‘Many people.’” He mocked, but the tone underneath was full of understanding. Neither of their lives were good ones, and there were many people to thank for that. 

In that way, they understood each other. 

In a lot of ways, actually. “They do seem to like making us pay that tricky little price.” Andrew added thoughtfully. Neil stepped inside, and so did Andrew, who closed the door behind them.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm doing this at the end becayse i know people judge song lyric things. With reason, most are horrible, no offense to the ones that are fine. But i *based* it off a song  
> It's called: Me And My Friends Are Lonely by Matt Maeson  
> Comments are loved! Thanks


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